Living Word

Hast thou utterly rejected Judah? hath thy soul loathed Zion? why hast thou smitten us, and there is no healing for us? we looked for peace, and there is no good; and for the time of healing, and behold trouble!



A Question of

a personal testimony and musing
about a gift and a loss.

I know about healing - I'd had healing, I'd been used as a channel for other peoples healing - so I know healing.  I had a tremendous healing of clinical depression, a healing so wonderful it could only have been of God.

Then I got the pre cancerous growth and I was so sure I was healed - I told everyone I was healed and I did believe it BUT I never cancelled the operation and I should have.  I had radical surgery which undoubtedly ended my marriage - Brian could not cope with the change and it took me 3 years to come to terms with it myself.  The great pity was - the lab reports on the removed tissue showed no sign of cancer and the surgeon said later, it seemed a shame to cut into and remove such healthy looking tissue! (so why did he, one wonders)

I wonder if I had refused the have the op, my healing would have been there for the world to see.  As it was, because I didn't claim that healing, I lost my femininity, I lost my husband and I sowed the seeds of my M.E. and worst of all, I didn't trust Jesus - my mouth did, my heart didn't.

I know I am forgiven- I am promised forgiveness because I'm truly sorry I didn't have enough faith - I wasn't obedient to what I was being told

So as I approach the 15 year mark of my M.E. where does that leave me?  Why aren't I healed?  Did I take away my chance of healing when I didn't claim the cancer healing?  What do I need to do - I guess I need to be obedient and I guess if M.E. is my lot for the rest of my life - then that is what I need to be obedient too. And I'm very happy with that, I just wonder if I'm missing something :) I do believe I am where I am, because this is right where my Lord wants me to be at this time.

Just me thinking out loud really. - hope it makes some sort of sense.

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